In honour of National Grief Awareness Week (2-8 December 2025), hospice counsellor Karen Watson, is reflecting on coping with grief as we approach the festive season.
As we come together to celebrate special occasions or holidays, it can be helpful to remember that as a family, each of you will be grieving a different version of the same person. This may be because we have had a different relationship with them. We may have been particularly close, or distant or the relationship may at times have been challenging.
Coming together at a time when we feel pressured or expected to be ‘normal’ and happy can be difficult following a shared loss. Not every generation will feel as comfortable talking about the person who has died or expressing their grief. We will all have acquired different ways of adapting and coping, so seeing how someone else manages their grief can lead to comparison and questioning ourselves as to whether we are grieving ‘right’.
The family unit is used to existing and operating as it did before the person died. It is important to acknowledge how the family adapts to changing duties, expectations and roles. Some people may want to acknowledge traditions and retain the expected roles within the family. This may prove too difficult and might feel we are not acknowledging the loss and that this year it is different. Others may want to start new traditions, which for some may feel like we are forgetting, or leaving behind, the person who has died.
Some family members may find comfort in sharing memories and talking about the person who has died. Whilst for others it may be too much just to hear the mention of their name. We might compare and question ourselves as to ‘does this mean I loved them too much or not enough?’ Again, it is important to remember that this is just our adapted ways of coping and is not a measure of what that person meant and still means to us.
Grief often makes us less patient, so we may be less tolerant of other people’s actions or behaviours. This can lead to misunderstandings, so conflict may easily arise. It might be worth giving some thought to how you might manage this and deciding to stay away from certain topics or planning how long you will spend at the family gathering or who you will spend time with.
Grief can be very confusing to navigate. When families come together there can often be a ‘grief hierarchy’ – meaning some people’s grief is deemed to be more important depending on their relationship with the deceased or standing within the family. It may be clear to see who receives more support, who is allowed to express their grief, who has less expectations placed upon them. Depending on our relationship and role within the family structure, this can be hard to be around, and can lead us to suppressing our own grief, or feeling that our grief is not as important or valid.
It is also important to consider how it might be if you are the person grieving but spending time with family or friends, such as in laws, who have not been as directly affected by the death. Again, consider how you feel you can manage the gathering or event. You may not know this until the day itself. How long do you want to be there for? Who will you spend time with? Who will be supportive?
Whatever position you find yourself in this Christmas, remember to give yourself time to look after yourself and communicate with those close to you, to help manage their expectations and give you the permission to do as much or as little as you feel you can do on the day.
Find out more about our counselling and bereavement services.
You don’t move on after loss, but you must move with. You must shake hands with grief, welcome her in, for she lives with you now. Pull her a chair at the table and offer her comfort. She is not the monster you first thought her to be. She is love. And she will walk with you now, stay with you now, peacefully. If you let her. And on the days when your anger is high, remember why she came, remember who she represents. Remember. Grief came to you, my friend, because love came first. Love came first.
Love Came First – A Poem by Donna Ashworth
